Articulating An Angst on PNN

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Articulating An Angst

Posted by UnaSpenser Posted on: 04/16/09

Articulating An Angst

My dear girl loves the circus arts. Specifically, aerial arts. She has a powerful inner drive to pursue it and began telling us at age 3 that she wanted to do the trapeze. I'm sure most parents will recognize that desire to do all that you can to give your child the opportunity to pursue such a passion. Whether or not being a circus artist is the end result of my daughter's pursuit, she is so compelled that to deny her the chance to find out what's in it for her would be heartbreaking. Feels like it would rip a big piece of the joy of life away from her.

So, last year she began circus arts classes at a local school for that: Simply Circus. The owner of the school told us she's a natural. Last summer, she went to two-week camp which culminated in a circus performance. She had the only solo act. I thought I would be very nervous as she dangled 15-20 feet up in the air. instead, watching her on the Silks was nearly mesmerizing because of her comfort with it. Seeing her display such self-confident calm in front of a crowd of over 400 people filled my heart with joy.

Naturally, she wants to go to summer camp again. We know she would benefit. We'd send her all summer if we could. Herein lies the angst: our ability to provide these opportunities has been greatly diminished due to my health. While I struggle every day with feelings of not being the mother I wanted to be and hoping that she doesn't grow up feeling neglected and all the attendant emotional wounds that can come with that, I really feel that angst when it comes to something like this.

She doesn't ask for a lot. She has yet to be drawn to the concept of shopping. She's content with a few favorite pieces of clothing. She'll read the same books over and over. Even her Christmas lists are beautifully short. She doesn't ask for a lot of classes and isn't compelled to to do expensive things outside of the house that often. She's mostly very content at home and can occupy herself endlessly. So, when she expresses this passion for the circus arts, I feel that the least I can do, as a parent, is provide her the opportunity to see what's there for her. What to do when you can't provide? Well, humbly ask for assistance.

We're applying to the school that hosts the summer camps for financial aid. Why is that so hard? I mean, emotionally. I seem to be hard-wired to find it humiliating to have to ask for assistance. Particularly financial assistance. It adds to my anxiety to feel so disempowered and needy.

As with so many things, however, since its for my child, I'll do just about anything. So, today, I wrote the "essay" portion of our application:

One of the greatest joys of parenting is to discover what your child's passions are. You don't think when you're having a child, "May someday she'll be in the circus!" But, when our daughter, Rhianna, was 3 and at her first circus, her eyes and face lit up. While other children were simply wow-ed by the view, she turned to us and said, "I want to do that." Three years later when she heard there were trapeze classes, she begged to try. She never stopped asking to go to more classes and last year, at age 8, she was finally able to sign up for her first circus arts class with Simply Circus, even though she was younger than their normal cutoff age. Since then, she has told us, "It's my career." She's nine and that could change, but for now, it is definitely her passion, her calling.

One of the greatest heartbreaks of parenting is to feel that you can't provide the opportunities for your child to pursue her passion. Rhianna attended the Simply Circus camp at Concord last year. It was such a confidence-building experience. For the first time in her life, she was proud of her work and wanted people to attend her performance. Usually she's quite shy about that. The intensity of a camp versus a once a week class, meant that he skill level increased exponentially. She'd like to go again this year. If we could, we'd put in her in all 3 weeks. However, we're not in that position if we must pay full tuition.

In August of 2007, Rhianna's mother was diagnosed with Late Disseminated Lyme Disease. It had taken two years to get a diagnosis and the disease had progressed to the point of disabling her. She had to shut down her business and has not been able to generate an income since. Though she has been in treatment, the disease has progressed and she has recently been diagnosed with even more serious conditions: Dysautonomia and an autu-immune disorder. She is still not able to work.

The emotional and financial impact to the family has been profound. We're doing all we can to keep everything in Rhianna's life as stable as possible while she lives with the anxiety of a seriously ill parent. And we want her to know that, while life can present us with painful challenges, it doesn't mean we have to stop pursuing our dreams. Right now, her most precious dream is one of being a circus artist and she knows that going to camp is key to realizing that dream. Her relationship to Steve and Simply Circus means a lot to her, too. The magic of possibility that she experiences there is a great antidote to the potential for despair when watching someone you love suffer with long-term illness. So, we're asking for any assistance you can provide which will allow us to send Rhianna to as much Circus Arts camp as possible.

Thank you for you consideration.

Ah, adversity and the angst of a parent. The things we'll face for our children...

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